In our workout that Friday morning, Abby and I discussed stumbling blocks. What had kept me from exercise all that time? Why didn't I do anything? I didn't have any ready answers for her. There are no excuses... but there are stumbling blocks.
I started to run all kinds of ideas and reasons through my mind... but ultimately, they were excuses... weren't they? Let's break it down here.
Time. I don't like to get up early. Working out early is better for me, though, because I find that if I put if off till later, I put it off. Period. When I start my day off with a run or exercise, I feel better. I'm usually really sleepy during the day, but not tired. I kind of feel refreshed. Then at night, I can't wait to get in bed! But, again, I don't like to get up early. Ask my boss about that. Oh no, never mind... don't do that!
Paper. Abby has the most awesome thing I have ever seen for fitness. If you want to work out at home, if you want to work out a gym, if you want to work out in Indonesia, all you need is the Trainer in Your Back Pocket. There is so much great, helpful information on there that I get overwhelmed. I print out the monthly workout (which is so detailed, there's no question of what to do), but there's so much STUFF on it that I get frustrated when I'm actually looking at the paper; I get all glassy-eyed and go into a cloudy fog. Then when I'm actually trying to do the workout on those sheets of paper I've printed, I feel like I can't exercise because I'm too busy reading. Then I have to mark off what I've done and I get all dizzy.
Lack of confidence. My best friend Lisa suggested this as one of my stumbling blocks. Lisa has known me for a LONG time. She knew me in my skinny days, she knows me now. Lisa has always been a very enthusiastic, athletically inclined person. What comes natural to her does NOT come natural to me. She took me to a Zumba class once. Then she understood my lack of confidence. I have a lack of coordination as well!!
Verbal prompting. Perhaps because of my lack of confidence mentioned above, I believe I desire verbal prompting. I like when Abby is there telling me what to do, encouraging me, letting me know what to do next, how to better my form. Of course, Nickey doesn't believe that "verbal prompting" is my stumbling block... she just thinks I'm...
Lazy. Yes, Nickey thinks I'm lazy. I try to tell her I'm not lazy, I have stumbling blocks.
On the drive to Nashville later that day to see Hanna, I was on the phone with Nickey when I had my epiphany. I finally put into words what I feel like my true stumbling block is. And, of course, it is a huge part of my personality.
Black or white. All or none. No middle ground. No half-assing. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it RIGHT or I'm simply not going to do it at all.
I worked for a pastor one time who told me I was "too black and white". At the time, I took it as an insult. Shortly after that, I attended a week-long church secretary conference in Atlanta and my ENTIRE wardrobe that week was black and/or white. Seriously.
Looking back on my journey, I realize how true this is for me. I participated in Abby's 5 Weeks to 5K program. However, because I didn't do well following through on a regular basis with my homework, I started over. Twice. I wanted to do the whole entire thing correctly. Or I didn't want to do it at all. Abby finally told me I could NOT do Homework Lesson #1 ever again. Secretly, I will though.
21 Days to Bliss--I was out of town during the first two meetings. Because I missed the first two, I don't feel like I got as "in" to it as I should have. What an AWESOME event this has been. But I want to start completely over... and fully immerse myself. Friends, I'm telling you, if Abby, Lindsay and Jill offer this again, jump on it! Each and every woman I know could benefit from this.
The nutrition cleanse was not easy; at times, it was very difficult. But I feel the need to start all over and do it again, from the beginning, because I've not done too well lately.
I've heard over and over "just jump back in where you left off". It's not that simple for me. If I miss or skip something, I feel like I have failed. I don't do failure.
I do black and white. All or none. No half-assing.
Now that I've discovered what I believe to be my big stumbling block, what do I do about it?
You HAVE to learn to be GRAY!!! This is a personality quirk many people have (self included). I was such a rigid rule follower, and worse, I thought everyone else should be, too!! (Yes, there is German in my family tree!) However, the older I get, I have learned that rigidity has its time and place, and it can really make life difficult. I learned by watching other people, and when I saw them handle situations completely differently than I would, I would ask them, "how can you do that without it bothering you?" That is how I have found The Gray, vs. Black and/or White. I had to go waaaaay outside my comfort zone to do this. It wasn't and still isn't easy. But I stop and ask myself, what harm or good will it do to conform to the "rules" that apply to this particular situation. And I have learned that Gray isn't a bad place! Gray lets you DO things and make yourself and others happy! You can't be disappointed in yourself in Gray, like you are in Black or White. The Gray Rules won't let you. So, stop starting over (again and again), because you're on a broken treadmill of NOT GOING ANYWHERE OR ACHIEVING YOUR POTENTIAL. Black and White will hold you back. Gray will set you free!
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about trying to become more gray, Amy! Of course, after Thursday's workout, we learned how Abby feels about gray, huh? :) Maybe when I get older, like you, I'll learn that rigidity has its time and place. You're right... gray is way outside my comfort zone. I do hope, though, that I learn a little give and take soon. Black and white is comfortable to me... but it's also eating me up. Any particular advice on how to become more gray?
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