Dirty Delicious

Do you remember the song "Dirty Diana" from the late 80s? That's the tune playing in my head right now as I think about all the dirty, delicious food I ate this past weekend.

Thursday night, Mother and I went to Catfish Wharf. I had been craving fish recently, so when she said she wanted to go there, I had grilled catfish in mind. However, we got there about a half hour before closing time and they had already turned off their grill, so our choices were all fried. I had the fried catfish (which was great), a baked potato (that was overcooked, so I didn't eat much), one bite of the mayonnaise-y slaw and 3 hush puppies (that had obviously been under the warmer for a while). Yes, I should have stopped at one bite after I realized how old they were... but I didn't. Oh, and a Coke to drink. I can't eat fried fish and drink water. That's just yuk. That started off my dirty eating weekend.

I have to say, it's much easier for me to eat "clean" at home. My home, here in Columbus, not "home" as in Kennett. I thought Mississippi was supposed to be the fat, unhealthy, obese state. I eat healthier in the Magnolia state than I do the Show-Me state. Most of the time, anyway.

Friday, Hanna and I were at a photo shoot all day. We did have food and drink options, but they were limited and not the best choices: coffee, Cokes, Sprites, strawberries and grapes (that looked OK, but not great), variety bags of chips and some Reese's peanut butter cups. Seriously... I thought models ate lettuce. Well, the staff had ordered pizza... and there was a LOT leftover. I helped myself to a piece of what looked to be margarita pizza. Turns out, it's called "Nana's Spinach Cuisine" which had an olive oil glaze, Ricotta, Feta and Mozzarella cheeses, chopped garlic, fresh spinach and sliced tomatoes and came from a local place in Jonesboro called "Pizza Chef". Oh my it was delicious! After the shoot was over, Hanna and I went there and ordered our own pizza (we had completely missed breakfast and snacked at lunch at the shoot, so by the time we were done, we were starving and ready for supper!). On our way there, I happened to drive by a place that advertised cupcakes. I admit it, I turned around and pulled in. I had to assess the situation. Turns out, they DID have some cupcakes I could purchase right then and there. And I did. 3 white, 3 chocolate. I intended to share; I never planned to eat them all. And I didn't. I just had one of each.

Friday night after we got back to Kennett, we took Mother out to the fair. Since we had filled up on pizza, I didn't get any fair food. Now I'm going to tell you, I love me some fair food! And I don't mean the carnie trailers they have set up that go from town to town, I mean the local food booths. Ever since I can remember, various local church and civic groups have booths at the Delta Fair, in an L-shape with a big covered pavilion in the middle with tables and chairs. Each booth is "known" for something, whether it be "HOT Catfish" sandwiches at the Jaycees booth, the corn dogs at the Sumach booth, the Dippin' Dots at the LaFemme booth, the BBQ beans at Farmers & Merchants or the Tyrone burgers at whatever booth that is. The best funnel cakes used to come from the Theta Rho booth, which was the sorority I was in for several years. I was so proud the year we decided to add a "glaze" option to our funnel cakes--that was my idea. Instead of just powdered sugar sprinkled over the top, we made a powdered sugar and milk glaze that took that sweet fried nasty plumb over the edge! I did, however, get a funnel cake for Mother and I'll be dern if I didn't get busted by Will (my former trainer) with the funnel cake.


One year, I made myself a little goal... by the end of fair week, I was going to have tried at least something from EVERY food both there. I didn't make it. It's all so dang good!

Saturday, my kids and I had lunch with Daddy at Alford's. Alford's is known for its BBQ. However, I have always eaten a Smith patty and fries. My favorite. And it's nothing more than a fried hamburger patty and fresh cut fries. Simple is best. And I was happy.

Stopped at Mimi's that afternoon to visit a while and she had red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing. I ate one. Only one.

BBQ Sandwich

That night, we were back out at the fair. This time, I ate. I chose a BBQ sandwich from Farmers and Merchants. They were out of their beans. I had been jonesing for a good BBQ sandwich after I smelled one in the bleachers at the Demolition Derby. It would have been better if I hadn't put the wrong sauce all over it, but I was still a happy girl.

Fried Oreos and Fried Chocolate Butter

I had also been told of something that was described as "chocolate gravy inside a biscuit" and was also known as "crack" because of its addiction qualities. Now, I love some biscuits and chocolate gravy, but I haven't had any in a while for obvious reasons. When I found out the real name of this divine concoction, I knew I had to try it for myself--"Fried Chocolate Butter". Seriously, y'all! The Bridge, which is a religious organization, a group of church people, mind you--are selling CRACK at the Delta Fair for $2 a pop. It was biscuit dough, flattened out, with cocoa, sugar and butter inside, dough folded back over itself in a half moon shape and crimped to help keep the yummy goodness inside, deep fried and rolled in powdered sugar. Shut. Up.

Eating the yummy goodness known as Fried Chocolate Butter

I am SO glad the fair only comes once a year. I haven't checked my blood sugar since last week. But, I'll have you know... I left here Thursday weighing 169 1/2 pounds. This morning, I weighed 169 1/2 pounds, so I didn't gain any weight during my gluttonous dirty weekend, but I hate to think about my blood sugar!

Lunch at Mimi's on Sunday before I left to come home deserves its own post; it's coming up next!

Did I exercise while I was gone? No. Did I eat healthy while I was gone? Obviously not. And I have a couple of friends who insist I'm crazy and/or stupid for posing such things on Facebook for Abby to see. But, I'm honest. Why would I lie about what I have or haven't done? Cheating no one but myself if I do that.

Time for a little detoxing--lots of green veggies and water for me this week! And some serious exercise!

Tammy the Trainer

What you are about to read may disturb you. What you are about to read is real. It is an actual blog I posted originally October 2, 2009. I figured since I introduced Trainer #1 to you, you should also hear a little about Trainer #2. Abby is lucky #3!

This morning was a little different than my other mornings have been.

In an effort to not look like I do right now on my 40th birthday (which is January 29, 2010--mark your calendars now so you won't forget!), I have taken the personal trainer plunge. Seeing as how I'm unemployed and broke, I thought this was a smart move on my part.

Got to bed late last night and was up early this morning...little drizzling rain action going on, so of course, after the kids are off to school, what do I want to do? Go back to bed!!
However, I reluctantly go to my first scheduled visit with "Tammy the Trainer". She seemed nice enough...until she started abusing my body. Here's how it went down:
I started on the treadmill, going really fast and really steep...you know, like I almost have to run...uphill...for a whole FIVE minutes!

Then I have to go do some stuff on the "Smith Machine". The Smith Machine is not my friend. I do push ups, pull ups and all kinds of stuff on it.

After that comes squat lunge things. I look really ignorant, I'm quite certain, but Tammy the Trainer says I have great form. After my legs feel like jello, I do the elliptical for another five minutes.

Then back to more things that make me look stupid, only now with a big bouncy ball. I would prefer to just sit and bounce on it, but Tammy the Trainer says crunches would work my abs a little more, so I do some of those, then each side, then back to the middle.
At some point, I go do the bicycle...thank God--it's easy! Oh no, Tammy the Trainer jacks that thing up too! At the end of the 45 minute cruel and unusual punishment mission, I use some weights and squat, then reach to the side, squat, then reach to the other side. At this point, I collapse in the floor, then it's over.

So, here's what I've learned from Tammy the Trainer...I'm an Apple; she's a Pear. I have great calves. She has beautiful white teeth and beautiful red hair. And she's out to kill me.

Trainer #1

I was back "home" in Kennett, Missouri this past weekend for a variety of reasons. The biggest was that my daughter had a photo shoot in Jonesboro, Arkansas. I'll share more about that later (when I have images to show you).

A bonus for me was that this weekend was also the Delta Fair in Kennett, which is our local county fair that I used to look forward to every year. That was always the time you would see everyone you knew, not only from Kennett, but from neighboring towns as well. And you may see folks there that you hadn't seen since the fair LAST year. But you would always see familiar and friendly faces.

Will and Me... and The Funnel Cake

This year was no different. I ran into so many old friends. One in particular I wanted to call out here is Will Cunningham. Will was the first personal trainer who had the misfortune of working with me. I believe I've mentioned him before, but it may have been in a video. 

I started working out with Will when my then-husband and I had an opportunity to go on a cruise. The now-ex-husband told me that I could go with him, but only if I lost some weight, specifically I needed to weigh in the 120-129 range if I wanted to accompany him. Never mind that he was 210 pounds+ himself. I was in the 140s at the time and had 6 or 8 or 10 weeks (I don't really remember now) to attain my goal weight and be allowed on the ship with "him".

So, Will and I got busy working on my goal. Will was a great motivator and was with me every step of the way, like Abby is. He had a little different style and philosophy than Abby, but that's to be expected since they are two totally different people. Will was quiet but very positive and encouraging. He had been in the military and had such amazing definition in his body. We worked with weights and machines and he always tried to make sure I knew which muscle group I should be feeling working. I feel like I learned a lot about proper form from him; too bad I don't remember it all now! He tried to get me on the treadmill and I was so awful at it, he finally just let me do the elliptical. 

Yes, I admit... I'm terribly uncoordinated when it comes to the treadmill. Don't even get me started! And yes, I was way more successful with the elliptical than the treadmill. The only time I've ever successfully gotten up on water skis has been on one (slalom) rather than two. I'm not the norm; haven't you figured that out by now??

Will and I focused on cardio and lifting weights; I tried to eat better/healthier, but that wasn't necessarily a major focus of what Will and I did. And, I wasn't so great about working out on my own, but, we were successful. I got to go on that cruise--I attained my goal and the day we left, I weighed 129.

And, when I returned, I returned to my old ways again.

But, it was great to see Will; he has a fabulous smile and such a kind spirit. And, of course, I was holding a funnel cake of all things when I saw him! In my defense, though, it was actually for my Mother (and I only had a couple of small bites).

Thanks, Will, for trying your best with me years ago; wish I had stuck with it better!

RAOK 2

Earlier this week, I posted this on Facebook:

Diagnosed with diabetes in late June. Middle of July, got my glucometer and testing supplies from Global Pharmaceutical. In August, they called to tell me they will no longer be carrying supplies. I have called every other Durable Medical Equipment supplier here in town that's in my network. I have been told that NONE of them carry the supplies for the particular glucometer I have. Insurance will only pay for one glucometer every two years. I've had this one two months, can't get testing supplies for it here in town and can't afford to buy myself a new one. Yep, sounds about right!

In a really short time, I had several friends offering suggestions and advice. One friend told me she had four, brand new, still-in-the-box-never-used machines (all different brands) I could choose from. I would just need to decide which I wanted that I could find the strips for. Another blessing!

Yesterday, I called every diabetes test supplier in my area again and this time got a different answer at one of the suppliers. They DO carry the test strips I need after all! So, I won't need my friend's help... this time. But just knowing it was there was a wonderful relief!

Random Act of Kindness

Just got a very sweet and thoughtful Facebook inbox message:

"Paige, I've been following your journey through Abby. I read your blog this morning. I went through the same kind of journey starting in May of 2012. I've gone from a size 16 to 8s and 10s. I've got clothes in every size between. I've kept them because I wanted to give them to someone else in transition. Let me know your size and I'll get things together for you!" 

Isn't that an awesome example of someone "paying it forward"? This journey has been amazing in so many ways! I'm so blessed!

I Enjoy Moments of Silence...

I enjoy moments of silence and solitude. I listen to my inner wisdom.

That was my fortune cookie this morning. Yes, it's 7:20 AM and I've already had an Abby workout! She came over at 6:30 so we could get our weekly workout in before I head "home" to spend the weekend with my kids... and go to the Delta Fair!

I had my stability ball, yoga mat and dumbbells in the car from last night's workout with Brandy. I thought I was being so smart by leaving them in the car so they'd be ready for the trip. Duh... I needed them this morning!

Stability Ball Dead Bugs

We did a core workout and I know I'm going to feel it tomorrow! Abby likes to make sure I remember her for a day or two after my workouts! She commented that my top is a little big on me. Yay! I'm taking a bunch of clothes to the consignment shop in Kennett because they're too big for me now. It's a great feeling, but I now literally have one pair of jeans that fit and they are really a little too big. I had to have Nickey bring me a different shirt at work this week because my white Gap tshirt was hanging off my shoulders and that's just not appropriate attire for church work. I like knowing that most of my clothes are too big, but it sure limits what I can wear. And, I'm not in a place where I can go out and buy a new wardrobe. Besides, I hope to keep going on this downhill slide!

Happy Thursday y'all! And Bootheel friends, if you see me this weekend, ask me if I've exercised today; Abby and I will be doing my three-month assessment next week, so it's "crunch" time. Yes, pun intended!

Brandy in Your Back Pocket

Brandy commented on a Facebook post of mine earlier today and asked her if I wanted to work out with her this evening. 

I first met Brandy in one of Abby's classes. I didn't want to like her because she's just too cute and completely fit and looks like she should be training the rest of us like Abby does. How do these girls make it look so easy? Sure, they sweat, but it all looks so natural when they do it... and so very UNnatural when I do! However, I gave her a chance. And by dern, she's just as sweet as she is cute. But... she is very much like Abby. She takes this exercise thing very seriously!

Nickey and I met Brandy at the Baptist hospital track with our yoga mats, stability balls and dumbbells. Brandy quickly went to work setting up a little circuit training area. Plank, Rollouts, Bicep Curls, Jump Rope, and Side Lunges were ready for us! We did each circuit for one minute, then got a water break. Went through the circuit again for 45 seconds, water, 30 seconds, water, 15 seconds, water. 

My first go of the side lunges was rather comical, I'm sure. I swear, pulling that band onto my ankles over my big ole tennis shoes was like pulling up and down wet swim suit bottoms; everything just rolled and tangled. I looked like my mother wrestling a pair of panties that had fallen to my ankles.

During my 45 second stint with the Side Lunges, the band I was using gave up the ghost. I attempted my first lunge and the silly little green stretch of elastic released from my ankles and flung itself far, far away. Great. I just busted Brandy's band. She got a picture of me before it gave out on me, though.

Before the break

After our circuit training, we did some core exercises; Rolldowns, V-Sits, V-Sits with Twists and Suitcase Crunches. When we finished our workout, we visited a little bit, then ran into Abby in the parking lot. I'm glad she saw that I really did show up and work out. But I didn't do a "Trainer in Your Back Pocket" workout... I had Brandy in my back pocket today! Brandy's going to get a few of us together on Wednesday nights in October for exercise at the Riverwalk. I'm looking forward to that; I'm finding that I like to exercise with a small group; the accountability is good for me.

I have to get to bed now. Abby's going to be here at 6:30 in the morning to work out with me for our weekly workout. Neither of us enjoy getting up early, so I can't wait to see what she has in store for me!

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Last week, I asked on Facebook who really reads my blog. I'm curious to know who reads my efforts, who is following my journey, but mostly, I was wondering if there were any specific questions I could address here in my blog. I know if I was sitting back and watching a journey like mine unfold, I'd have a ton of questions but may be too inhibited to ask. Yeah, right... me inhibited. Funny, huh? Anyway, I'm an open book, hence the name "Paige" (I'm so punny, I just crack myself up!), so if there is anything you want to ask me, just do it. There is nothing I won't answer. Let me think about that... there is not much I won't answer, but there is nothing about the journey I won't answer!

So, reader Angela asked, "When you were eating clean, could you really tell a difference or were you just proud of yourself for the discipline? Did you miss the comfort foods?"

Great questions, aren't they?

When I was on the cleanse, I missed everything! I got to the point where I thought I would choke if I had to eat another bite of salad. The Green Smoothie that I loved so much in the beginning became something that would almost make me gag. And my wine and rum? Don't even ask me how I made it 21 days without them! I didn't like the cleanse, but I knew I must do it properly in order for it to be effective, so I did.

I enjoyed trying to cook healthy, though. I experimented several times making a ragout that, although it was a little different each time, I found it delicious every time! I learned ways to focus my meals on vegetables instead of proteins. I had several vegetarian meals which was really weird for me. But, I do think something that helped me was having the Farmer's Market available with lots of fresh produce. I liked trying new tastes and flavors.

Being a meat and potatoes girl all my life, my meals used to focus on what kind of meat I was going to have and how I would cook my potatoes; not rice, not pasta, but potatoes! Oh how I loved a potato! Baked, mashed, fried, french-fried, scalloped, instant, you name it, I loved it! Except sweet potatoes. Yuk. Ever since I can remember, mashed potatoes were my go-to comfort food. My Mimi's mashed potatoes are the best in the world. As a little girl, after church, Mimi and Grandpa and I would go to a local family-owned cafe for Sunday lunch (meat and three). I always ordered the same thing, every Sunday, for YEARS--ham and three orders of mashed potatoes and gravy.  KFC mashed potatoes and gravy work wonders in a pinch when you are sick, by the way. To say mashed potatoes have been a life-long comfort food for me would be an understatement.

But now... I don't miss them. Honestly. Seriously. And I've had some here and there on the journey. They just aren't worth how they make me feel anymore. I DO feel healthier when I eat clean. Yes, I can tell a difference. Not everything clean tastes good or is something I like, but as I'm eating something clean, I know I will feel better than if I eat "dirty".

Something I am missing immensely is dessert. My Mimi nearly always has homemade desserts whenever she's cooked a meal, whether it be a simple lunch or a huge holiday dinner, there is homemade dessert (and no other type of dessert would do, mind you).

In the last year or so especially, I had gotten in the habit of having dessert after dinner. And to me, dessert is something fabulously rich, decadent and delicious. A cookie or brownie don't even begin to get called dessert in my book. Unless the brownie is warm, topped with a really rich vanilla ice cream and have hot chocolate syrup and pecans drizzled over the top. Tiramisu and Creme Brulee are my favorite desserts and you just can't beat a really good cheesecake (sans fruit topping, please... that just ruins it for me!). I've been known to make "Chocolate Soup" simply because I could and eat every sticky drop until I was sick. It started years ago as a PMS elixir... butter, heavy cream, sugar and cocoa cooked until it was a thick gooey mess. Oh my God how I wish I had some right now. BUT... I'd be sick as a dog in 10 minutes.

So, Angela, to answer your question, I do miss some comfort foods (some more than others), but there are some I don't miss at all. I can tell a difference when I eat clean and I am proud of myself when I do!

Headed In the Right Direction... For the Time Being....

When we last visited, my weight was up to 173, from my lowest of 168 1/2. No, it wasn't because I had had a boob job. I hadn't added a third arm or leg. And it sure wasn't because I gained lots of knowledge. It was simply because I wasn't eating (and drinking) cleanly like I should have been. Well, that and PMS apparently because Aunt Flo did make her visit shortly thereafter.

Yesterday was a happy scale day... it saw 168 1/2 again; I was back to my lowest weight since my journey began. I knew my efforts to drink more water and eat cleanly would help!

Then, this morning... another new low! Normally, that doesn't sound like a good thing, I know. But, in this instance, it's great! I've lost another pound--this morning I was so happy to see 167 1/2!

I have a plan to meet Brandy this evening for a workout, so I'm hoping this headache I've got goes away. If not, I'll more than likely be on the couch at 5:30 instead of at the Baptist track.

I'm meeting Abby tomorrow morning at 6:30 for our weekly workout. Neither one of us are morning people, so neither of us likes those early morning workouts, but, I need to get another Abby workout.

+2 = -

I'm not very mathy, but I know that I don't want to be going UP on the scale!

I started this journey weighing 181 pounds. I weigh myself first thing every morning that I'm home (after I've pottied, and completely naked). Since then, I've seen every number on the scale from there down to 168.5, which was July 31st. Yesterday when I weighed, I saw 171; this morning I saw 173. I'm up another two pounds. Why?

The wrong food choices can be evil. And lately, I've been making some not good food (and drink) choices. That vegan cake I ate last night had sugar. For supper one night earlier this week, I had a bag of popcorn, a Coke and washed them down with wine. I finished that bottle of wine last night. The starchy casseroles at last night's Family Night Supper at church were not good choices. Taco Bell is a handy place for me to drive through for a quick lunch if I don't have anything ready at home. 

I'm letting myself have too many "dirty" things and not enough "clean" ones. I feel like I should start Abby's 21 Day Cleanse over again to reboot my system, but I'm trying to change my black-and-white-all-or-none thought pattern, so I want to just start making better choices again. But is that enough?

And yes, I know muscle weighs more than fat, so I won't always see my improvements on the scale. But, I also know I haven't gone exercise crazy and just all of a sudden bulked up my body with muscle. Besides, if I have, 173 is still TOO much for a woman my height to way, even if I was totally toned and buff.

Frustration....

On a Scale of 1 to 10, I'd Give Today a 5.8

Nothing was bad. But nothing was great either.

I woke up late, so I had no breakfast. I had coffee at work. It had sugar and half and half. Two cups. Not great.

For lunch, I ate a leftover turkey patty and cabbage from last night's supper. Yum. And relatively healthy. Had a mint kombucha that Marion had made; took the rest back to work. The preacher sure was curious why I had a brown beer bottle on my desk! LOL

After work, I went to Kroger to get cabbage to make for Family Night Supper at church. I enjoyed the flavors I had at lunch, so I pretty much recreated that (sort of). I melted some butter in a large pot, then added a diced Vidalia onion and let it saute while I was slicing one and a half heads of cabbage. I added a little water then let it start doing it's thing (covered) while I let the chicken broth defrost in the microwave (that I had previously made and frozen). Added the broth, a little more water and some Bragg's Amino Acids. I like the flavor of the amino acids and know they are supposed to be a better choice than soy sauce, but I still kind of wig out at "amino acids" being an ingredient in anything. Takes me back to Dr. Lamb's 7th grade science class. Anyway, while that was cooking down, I cooked a pound of ground turkey with a little olive oil, some Pampered Chef Crushed Peppercorn and Garlic seasoning and a little Celtic sea salt. I don't know why I use Celtic sea salt except that Abby told me to. When the turkey was finished, I added it to the cabbage. I think it tasted pretty darn good. Nickey thought the chicken broth made it too rich. She doesn't like rich flavors like I do.

Family Night Supper at church... imagine a table FILLED with food... but not much of it was clean food. The fried chicken wasn't (none of the varieties offered; Popeye's, KFC, tenders, breasts, you name it--it was on the table); the ham was good, but not so clean. Casseroles and starches galore... and yes, I tried the mac and cheese, but should've passed on that to be honest; I had some potato casserole (two different kinds I believe, but I thought one was something else); I had some of my cabbage concoction. My new friend Heather had brought some vegan chocolate Bundt cake which I apparently had decided should be solely for me and because she said it was "vegan", I interpreted that to mean that it was a wise choice for me.  A few minutes later, the headache kicked in, my cheeks flushed and I realized/admitted that just because it was vegan didn't mean it was sugar-free. Not much of a good choice for a diabetic, but oh it was good! 

Brenda Holcombe, a woman who took control of her body and lifestyle after a cancer diagnosis, told me she had made one of MY recipes (from our church cookbook--which are for sale for $20) for the supper... my Peter Paul Mounds cake. Oh my gosh, that cake is so sinfully delicious! Brenda has been an inspiration to me; she has shown that through a medical crisis, you can choose to be healthy, simply by changing the way you think about food. Eat healthy, eat clean, be holistic. I'm a complete newbie to the whole holistic lifestyle but am so intrigued and want to learn more and start applying it more in my life.

No exercise tonight. Unless you count the repeated trips to the fridge to refill my wine glass and the trips up and down the stairs to clean out my daughter's closet. Hanna needs her fall and winter warm clothes. I took a picture of everything she has left. She only wants one cardigan and one coat. Which means I have two bags of clothes that need to find a new home.

It's funny... when I started typing this post, I gave today a "3"... then I realized it really wasn't quite so bad. But it still wasn't a 10 either.

Woe is Me; My Poor, Poor Knee

I came home Friday and foam rolled, iced and hot showered, just like Abby said.

I went to the Open House for the North Mississippi Holistic Center (great place, by the way-- you should check it out!)

Afterward, Nickey and I went out for a bite to eat and a drink or two; it was date night and we needed it. I had trouble going up the steps from where we parked to Zachary's for dinner. I was "stove up" a bit, but my knee was really beginning to hurt a lot. We ate outside and I propped my leg up on the chair beside me while we ate, drank and talked. We came home, I took a Percocet (left over from my wrist surgery) and I went to bed. I didn't sleep well; my knee bothered me a lot throughout the night, but mostly only when I went to turn over or change positions.

Saturday, I spent most of the day in pain. On the couch. With my knee propped up. And iced. I text Abby and let her know that I was in actual pain, not just very sore. Continued foam rolling, icing and ibuprofen was her answer.

Sunday... more rest and ice. I got up and puttered around the house a bit, but took it easy.

Monday... I could put weight on my right leg pretty well. I chose to go to Small Group Personal Training. A bad knee could slow me down, but it wasn't going to get the best of me. We did an obstacle course. Those are my favorite thing to do in SGPT! There were only two things I didn't attempt... the Bosu (where you do some kind of alternating leg/lunge thing; I have a hard enough time doing that when I'm not injured) and jumping rope (didn't think my knee could handle that!), so while I was supposed to be doing those two stations, I foam rolled instead.

When it was over, my knee was sore but not awful. Today has been better. Abby had told me Friday that she wanted me to run at the Baptist track (4 complete laps without stopping) a few days after we had run. Maybe by Thursday of this week I can do it.

11 Minutes/11 Miles, Eight Tenths of a Mile/8 Miles

Have I ever told you I'm not real good with measurement?

Last Friday afternoon, Abby and I met for our weekly workout. It had already been quite a busy week workout-wise for me. Monday, I started Abby's newest Small Group Personal Training class. Tuesday, we had our final 21 Days to Bliss where there was some yoga with Jill and exercise with Abby (not a lot, but enough to count it!). Thursday, Abby wasn't  feeling up to snuff so she cancelled her appointment with my friend Amy. Amy took that opportunity to call and ask me to work out with her so she came to my house and we did the Upper Body TBP Workout (with a couple of slight modifications due to Amy's recent broken leg... she broke it at SGPT with Abby about the same time I broke my wrist). Then Friday before I met with Abby, I went over to Starkville to do yoga with Lindsay at the Homesteading Center (which turned out to be one of the more intense sessions I've had with Lindsay). Amy had gone to yoga with me; after we bought our wares from Marion (kombucha, both mint and shiso, pineapple whey cooler and chevre cheese with herbs) and the anti-fungal salve from Lindsay, we headed to City Bagel for a healthy lunch.

I seem to be digressing tonight....

So... Abby and I met for our weekly workout. As I've stated before, you never know what you're going to get with an Abby workout, so I just show up with semi-appropriate clothing and footwear and hope for the best.

Since she had been feeling a little under the weather, I had hoped she might take it a little easy on me. We chatted a bit, then she said we were going to have a nice little leisurely jog. Of course, I didn't know how far... or how long. I didn't know if were jogging to particular spot for a workout or if we were just going to jog until the soles of our shoes fell off. She chose the latter. As I ran, I kept seeing landmarks and thinking to myself, "OK, she'll stop here." Wrong. We kept going. Light pole? See ya. Bench? Buh-bye. She just kept on "leisurely jogging" and I kept on... wishing she would stop. My shins were burning. We talked about form, what I needed to improve on. My calves were burning. What am I doing wrong? My hips hurt, my knees hurt... and there was a pavilion with a bench. We finally stopped. Abby informed me that I had just run 11 minutes without stopping.

What?? In my 5 Weeks to 5K homework, I hadn't run more than 2 minutes in a row. I had just run/jogged eight-tenths of a mile... with no break. I'm quite certain I didn't do that in the 5K I ran. What was the difference? 

Abby. Abby was the difference. She talked me through the aches, the pains, the frustration, the mental wearing out. She helped me re-focus so that I could alter my form a bit to ease those aches and pains.

We stopped under the pavilion and did a few stretches and that really helped! I felt like once we stopped, my legs wanted to keep that momentum moving. That sort of happened during the 5K too; whenever I walked instead of running, my legs wanted to keep going forward more quickly than they were when I walked (but the jogging wore my lungs out).

Shortly after we started heading back, my right knee hurt. It had hurt a little earlier, but more on the right (exterior) side; this time, it was hurting just below my knee cap on the interior side of my knee. The more I ran, the more it hurt. I tried to push through the pain, but it got the better of me and I started walking. Abby tried talking me through it, and it worked, for a little while. I remember telling her that I knew my knee wasn't literally going to break, but it felt like each time I hit the pavement with my right foot that I was going to fall straight to the ground because of my knee giving out on me. Abby encouraged me, and I tried again. I'm nothing if not determined and strong-willed (some might say stubborn). 

As we were trying to work through this little issue, Abby told me that when she told me the time (11 minutes) and distance (.8 miles) of my "run", that my face lit up. Of course it did. I was proud of myself! I felt like I had really accomplished something pretty great (at least for me!)

I tried, oh I tried. And I honestly don't remember whether I jogged anymore or not. But I DO remember being frustrated that I couldn't complete something the way I wanted to.

Bottom line, I ran (jogged) for 11 minutes in a row. Without stopping. I ran more than 3/4 of a mile. Without stopping. That was something for Self to be proud of!

After our walk/jog/run, Abby and I hung out in the parking lot for a few minutes. Amy would be there shortly to do Abby's 5K clinic and I wanted to brag about what I had just done. Of course, I mixed up the numbers a little (on accident, I swear!) and told Amy that I had just run 8 miles. Well, it sure felt like it!

Abby gave me strict instructions for my knee... go home, foam roll (why does that have to hurt so badly?), ice and take a hot shower. And, I did just that.

I went to the North Mississippi Holistic Center Open House later that evening. As I was walking in, Steve Porter (a runner) was walking out. Steve and I go to church together. I was so proud of myself that I had to tell him about my feat for the day... and I proudly announced that I had run 11 miles that day. He had a very surprised look on his face (presumably because I had nearly died running a 5K the weekend before), but congratulated me. Then Nickey spoke up and corrected me... I had run 11 minutes, not 11 miles. 

Have I ever told you I'm not real good with measurement?

Small Group Personal Training

Abby started a new class of Small Group Personal Training last week. I was so glad because that's something that I REALLY enjoy. Maybe not so much while I'm doing it, but once class is over, I feel so much better about myself. I'm always whipped, but dang what a good workout it is! I know that when I'm there, I'm being put through the wringer, and like I've said before, it's never the same thing twice.

I never thought I would enjoy working out, but the SGPT classes I really look forward to. Yes, there are times I feel like I could pass out, vomit or die (or any combination of those three), but it's such a great feeling to go through the rest of the week (classes are on Monday nights) knowing I started out on a good note.

My knee has been bothering me all weekend, so Nickey asked me earlier today if I was planning on going tonight. Of course I am! There will be SOMETHING I can do, I know. Besides, the women in the class are counting on me to bring some laughter to their lives, I'm sure!

Fortune Cookies, Nuggets, Advice, Oh My!

I worked out twice last week with Abby; the first was at our new Small Group Personal Training on Monday night then again on Friday for our weekly workout.

Monday's fortune cookie: "I appreciate all that I have and all that I am."

Friday's fortune cookie: "My career is a joyous challenge, and I am up for it today!"

Through the years, I've heard Abby's "fortune cookies" called so many different things... nuggets, affirmations, words of wisdom, favorite quotes, etc. Recently I saw a gift an aunt had made for her going-off-to-college niece and it was a jar of just such things printed out and put into a fun, decorated jar. What an awesome idea!

We heard a lot about positive affirmations in our 21 Days to Bliss. I've started compiling a list of fortune cookies, nuggets, affirmations and such so that one day, I can print them out on wildly loud colored paper, fold them and put them in a neat little jar for myself. Then, when I need a pick-me-up, I'll just pull one out.

What are some of your favorite fortune cookies, nuggets, quotes and inspirations? I'll add them to my list!

My First 5K

Abby gave me all the training I needed for my 5K. I just didn't do the homework. Didn't I learn in school that you had to do the homework in order to be successful? You couldn't just show up the day of the test and expect to ace it.

Friday, September 6th rolled around. The day before my first 5K. I was nervous as hell. And I was scared. And I was excited. Above all, I really wished I had done all that homework. I freaked out a little, I admit it. I wasn't prepared, and it was my own damn fault! No one to blame but "Self". Now, Self and I have always been pretty good friends. But, this time, Self let me down. And I left Self down.

I text Abby to ask her what I should eat before my big run. I knew I needed something to fuel me, but nothing so substantial that I would be sick. I felt kind of silly, really. This was not a marathon. Not even a half marathon. This was a 5K. If I had done my homework, I would have known what to expect from my body.

Back to being nervous... what if I physically couldn't complete it? What if fell? Don't laugh, I have this fear of falling ever since I fell and broke my wrist this past February... that required surgery, a plate and 9 screws! You read that right; what to most people would have been a simple fall ended up totally screwing up my predominant wrist. For a secretary, that's not a good thing. I had a terrible time for several weeks with things as simple as brushing my teeth, zipping my pants and don't get me started on the whole going to the bathroom thing! So yeah, a fall is a serious freak out for me now.

I decided to just face this monster head on. And I set my goals. 

1. I would finish the 5K.
2. I would finish the 5K in less than an hour.
3. I would NOT be last.

You may not think these goals were so lofty, but don't forget about that homework I didn't do!

Before our first 5K

Abby and me pre-race

The morning came and I was just nearly beside myself with nerves. I literally felt physically ill, but knew it was nothing more than a cruel game my mind was playing with Self. I had all kinds of nervous energy, butterflies, I couldn't focus, my mind was all over the place. I completed and signed the waiver that my friend Amy handed me. Have no idea what it said, but I'm sure it was something to the effect that if I DID fall or die, it wasn't Abby's fault. Oh yeah, I forgot mention... Abby was the race director. Do you think there was EVER any chance of me NOT running in the 5K? Not a snowball's chance! When I picked up my race tshirt, I knew it was real. The nervous energy turned to excitement... a little bit. 

Me, Becky, Nickey & Abby before the race

Lynn, me, Nickey and Amy

My friend Lynn was there helping also, so it was nice to see familiar faces there to cheer us on. Lynn took some pictures before the race. Becky and Emily were there ready to run. Becky's been training with Abby for a while and is training for her first marathon now. Emily and I met in Abby's Small Group Personal Training at the Y. I got to meet Qua for the first time in person. Qua has been following my journey, so I was SO glad to meet her! Luckily, I had these folks to keep my mind occupied with something besides falling and dying. The next thing I knew, we were lining up for the start.

And, we're off!!

We were off! I tried to remember everything Abby had taught me. Lean, short quick steps, floppy ankles. In just a few short minutes in downtown Columbus, lots of people went way ahead of me. I had no idea how far 5K really is. I mean, I know it's 3.1 miles, but I have no concept with knowing how far that actually is... distance and stuff like that are for others to worry about, not me. I felt pretty good, though. I ran (OK, it was more like a jog) from the Tennessee Williams birthplace to... uh... somewhere. I don't remember where, but I was pretty sure I had already run a whole mile at least, if not more. Boy, had I really screwed that concept of distance up! I didn't see the 1 mile mark for quite a while more. What had I gotten myself into? I WAS going to die! 

Nickey and I took turns jogging and walking. She'd walk for a while, then she'd catch up to me and then I'd walk for a while. She was with me every step of the way, just like she's been with me through this entire journey. She could have run off and left me... like so many of the others did. But she didn't. She stayed with me and encouraged me. There were times between miles one and two that I honestly thought I couldn't do it. Not running anyway. But when I walked, my shins and calves seemed to hurt more. I think my legs kinda liked the whole running thing. I began to notice this older man behind me. While I was alternating between running and walking, he kept a constant pace the entire time. He passed me, I passed him, but he was completely consistent; I was way more sporadic. Imagine that!

At mile two, we got water. I was ready for it. My mouth was so dry (from all my panting!). I began to think that maybe I wouldn't die. Maybe I would finish it after all. But it wasn't easy. Luckily, there were some great cheerleaders helping us push on. My friend Kym was at an intersection telling us slower folk to go this way while the quicker folk coming from another direction were told "You're almost there". That's when it became quite obvious how far back in the pack we were. But I didn't care. I was still in it. And I was determined.

Crossing the finish line!

Trudging up that last hill, I knew we were getting close. Monica cheered for us by name. I told Nickey that once we made it up the hill, we were running the rest of the race. I was going to finish it running, by golly! So, I started running. Seeing the finish line in sight, I was coming up on Qua; I encouraged her to race to the finish. We sprinted. Qua beat me, but I loved the feeling of literally giving it all I had at the end. 

I did it! I completed my first 5K. And I did it in 46.57. And I was #116 out of 121. So, I attained my goals. And I was SO proud of myself! Abby and Nickey were both proud of me, too. 

We did it!!

5 Weeks to 5K

Before I started working with Abby, I had never run before. There was no reason to. There was no blood, no bone, no fire. My ex-husband used to say he'd never seen me "run with all my might." I had never run without all my might either. Running was for runners. I was not one of them. Have you ever seen the "Friends" episode of Phoebe running through the park? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go here now and watch: 

I'm pretty sure I would have been a Phoebe runner, had I been a runner at all.

But, lucky for me (?), my trainer is a marathon runner. And I fully believe that she fully believes everyone else on the planet should be, too. Even me. 

So, what is another thing I "get" to do with Abby? I get to participate in her 5 Weeks to 5K program. Thank God she realized early that I'm a Level 1 runner! A newbie. Since she had just started a new clinic the week before our journey began, she gave Nickey and me the Reader's Digest version of Training Session #1 on that first day we worked out together. In that first lesson, we learned the "correct posture stance." Seriously? You just run, right. Like walking, only faster.

Oh no. There was WAY more to it than that. Feet parallel. Weight evenly distributed. Knees soft. Hip Bucket flat. Tight pant muscle. Lean. I began hearing those things over and over and in my sleep. Who knew there was so much to running? And this was just the first lesson. Over the next two weeks, I learned about flat footprints, floppy ankles, washing machine hips, and so much more. So much that I couldn't remember it all! During our clinic, we'd take short runs and Abby would check our posture, our stance, our lean, our cadence and let us know what needed improvement. I don't think it all ever clicked together for me like it was supposed to though.

We had homework to do between our classes. The first assignment was to run for 1 minute then walk for 4 minutes for a total of 30 minutes of exercise. I did that one. And I did the next one (run for 1 minute, then walk for 3 minutes for a total of 32 minutes). And I think I did the third one (run 2, walk 4 for 30). Then I did the first one again because, in my mind, too much time had elapsed. So, I started over. This time, though, I felt like it went a little easier than it had the first time. But, time lapsed again. And I started over again. Yes, I did homework assignment 1 three times. Somehow, I let that slip to Abby one day and she said that I was NEVER allowed to do homework assignment 1 ever again. In my mind, that translated to "never do running homework ever again." So, I didn't. 

21 Days to Bliss

When I first started hearing about "21 Days to Bliss", I knew it was going to be something I wanted to participate in! Even if Abby wouldn't have been one of ramrods and made me do it, I knew I wanted to be a part of it!

Gain Energy. Lose Weight. Balance Your Life. Those sound great, right? And Bliss... what woman doesn't strive for bliss in her life?

Abby, Lindsay Wilson and Jill Williams put together a fabulous course for women... 7 Classes. A Lifetime of Wellness.

In June of this year, I blogged (on my personal blog, not here) about the Health and Wellness Workshop I had recently attended at the Mississippi Modern Homesteading Center. Abby was one of the keynote speakers at that event and spoke about goals. I pondered and gave a lot of thought to my own goals and decided how quickly I wanted to achieve them. Top of my list was to, within the next year, have a total and complete feeling of wellness. As a matter of fact, from my personal blog from June 3rd, I wrote,

 "I want to have a feeling of wellness and wholeness by this time next year.  I am not sure yet just exactly what that looks like for me, but that is one reason I am talking about setting goals for myself and starting to take the necessary steps to achieve those goals.  I need to be healthier, I would like to be a little lighter, I should be in better shape financially.  I want peace, serenity, tranquility.  I want to not feel as much stress as I do now.  I want to enjoy my life.  I want to feel accomplished at something."

Wow. I had forgotten how close that was to when Abby and I started our journey... less than a month actually. How profound, huh? I knew what I wanted, I just wasn't sure how to get it.

That's exactly what 21 Days to Bliss was for... providing women with opportunities, resources and information to find their own bliss.

The instructors for this powerful event were:

Abby Malmstrom, M.S. Exercise Physiologist, Personal Trainer, Nutritionist. Of course, you know about Abby. Abby is my trainer, my boss, "the devil who made me do it", a marathon runner and now, my friend. 

Lindsay Wilson, Yoga Teacher, Wellness Coach, Herbalist. I first met Lindsay when Nickey and I attended our first Seasonal Soiree at the Homesteading Center. She and Marion prepare the most delicious meals! Lindsay also teaches the yoga classes at the Homesteading Center I try to go to on Fridays. Lindsay has lots of interesting life experiences and is just a plethora of knowledge; wise beyond her years, this one is!

Jill Williams, Yoga Instructor, Owner of Bliss Yoga. Jill and I both attended the Methodist Church, but the first time I remember actually talking to her one on one was at my friend Lynn's house at her Pampered Chef party.

I missed the first two classes because I was out of town, so I felt a little late to the party when I joined class three. Luckily, Abby had videotaped the classes, so at least I was able to get a feel for what I had missed, but it sure wasn't the same as being there. 

These ladies started a nutrition plan and, being the black and white person that I am, did not do the elimination diet. I felt like since I had already missed a week, I wasn't going to start late. Remember me, Ms. All or None? Yeah, I was NONE on the nutrition/diet part of Bliss. Even though I didn't do the diet myself, I learned so much about particular foods, why they are (or are not) good for you; I heard about food cravings, rebooting and cleansing the liver, balancing out hormones, having more energy and many other things that our bodies go through with any type of "cleanse" such as this. I did a cleanse at the beginning of this journey, remember? I eliminated things from my diet and I saw the benefits; I felt the changes, so I knew it would work.

The group's theme of our 21 days was "Positive Transformation"; each of us had our own individual theme as well and we had partners who helped keep us accountable. Each week, we had a circle share. We were given our own turn to speak, about anything and not be interrupted. That's such a cool concept, isn't it? How many of us wives, mothers, grandmothers don't get our "turn" to talk, to share about what's going on in our lives, to be heard, to be listened to. It's pretty amazing. I have to admit, though, that one night in particular, all I could talk about was the negativity I felt. Not with the diet, the exercise or anything at all to do with Bliss... just every day life.

We were encouraged to journal about our experience. To get us started, we were given 21 "starters". Because I don't like to journal with a pen a paper, I plan to use those here in my blog in the coming weeks because I think they are wonderful! And I think all of us should think about these ideas. So, as I blog/journal, I encourage you to try and answer those questions for yourself. Be looking for one or two coming up this week.

There was SO much information; it was almost overwhelming. But, to have the gift of this information in one little tidy package... truly priceless. I learned way more than I ever thought I wanted or needed to know about yoga, meditation, exercise, nutrition, herbs, stress, hormones, fake sugars, clean foods, pastured eggs, and so much more!

I got SO much of this experience... and yet, I want to go through it all again. I know there's something I missed. I know there's more for me to soak up. Ladies, when this opportunity presents itself again, I encourage you to to talk to Abby, Jill or Lindsay and get yourself signed up! You won't regret it!

Still Stumbling

Yes, this post is over two weeks old, but it's been in my head; there are things I wanted to talk about, so I'm playing catch up. It takes a while to catch up since I was "off the wagon" for a while longer!

So, today, my plan is to catch us all up and bring everyone up to speed on my journey. Like my exercise plan, it's time to just jump in and do it; quit planning, thinking about it, dreading it... just do it. Now that sounds like a hell of a slogan to me; someone should use that!

Lisa, Ethan and me

Last time we visited, I was uncovering my stumbling blocks as I traveled to Nashville. I had my whole "black and white" epiphany. After I had worked out that morning with Abby then sat in my car and drove five hours to Nashville, I was a little sore when I made it to Lisa's house. But, I tried to ignore it because I got to put my hands on her beautiful newborn grandson. All my aches and pains were gone as I smelled, touched and caressed new life. 

Saturday morning, I was "all stove up"... had to move very slowly and very carefully just to make it to the potty. Then, to sit. Oh heavens, my quads were screaming! "Four weeks without exercise? Don't do that to us again!" After I pottied, I realized I had to get up. Don't think my quads took it easy on me! Lisa lives in a split-level house. I had to go down 5 or 6 steps to get to the kitchen, then down another 5 or 6 steps to get to the family room... where the BABY was! I felt like an old, crippled, hungover woman trying to get to Ethan!

The reasons for my visit

Ethan was really the reason I was in town, although a huge bonus was, of course, to see my own daughter! Hanna and I were helping host a baby shower for Lisa's daughter, Ashley and her new son, Ethan. Ashley and Hanna grew up thinking they were twins... they were just born six days apart, in different states, to different parents.

Delicious spread of non-healthy food

We all got showered and spiffed up and headed over to where the shower was going to take place. My main responsibility was, as you might have guessed, bossing everyone... oh no, wait, that was already done. Food was my responsibility that day! Party Pizzas, Rosemary Cashews, Sausage Stars, Pigs in a Blanket, Rotel Squares... oh my! If it had cream cheese, crescent rolls or a pork product in it, my name was all over it! Yes, there were some healthy options too. There were fruits, there were vegetables. 

THE Cake

And... there was cake! Lori made the cake. Lori's cake was DELICIOUS! And it had everything in it I was NOT supposed to have at that time... sugar, gluten, eggs... and it was FABULOUS! I asked Lori her secrets and you would not believe how simple (but I won't share her secrets, so don't even ask!). However, I ate more cake that day (and that night and the next day, thanks to extra that we brought home with us). I was so sick; my blood sugar was completely out of whack, my head hurt, but I didn't care. I enjoyed every bite of that cake!

Loving on Ethan... ALL NIGHT LONG!

Saturday night, I got Ethan duty. We settled in the recliner after his bottle and diaper change and we snuggled. He was on my chest all night and I was in heaven! I wouldn't have traded that time for anything. But... I had forgotten about how physically exhausting a newborn can be! And, my aching back reminded me! So now, my body was sore from working out and my back was giving me fits for sleeping all wonky in the recliner. Great. The next few days were going to be fun!
  

Uncovering My Stumbling Blocks

In our workout that Friday morning, Abby and I discussed stumbling blocks. What had kept me from exercise all that time? Why didn't I do anything? I didn't have any ready answers for her. There are no excuses... but there are stumbling blocks.

I started to run all kinds of ideas and reasons through my mind... but ultimately, they were excuses... weren't they? Let's break it down here.

Time. I don't like to get up early. Working out early is better for me, though, because I find that if I put if off till later, I put it off. Period. When I start my day off with a run or exercise, I feel better. I'm usually really sleepy during the day, but not tired. I kind of feel refreshed. Then at night, I can't wait to get in bed! But, again, I don't like to get up early. Ask my boss about that. Oh no, never mind... don't do that!

Paper. Abby has the most awesome thing I have ever seen for fitness. If you want to work out at home, if you want to work out a gym, if you want to work out in Indonesia, all you need is the Trainer in Your Back Pocket. There is so much great, helpful information on there that I get overwhelmed. I print out the monthly workout (which is so detailed, there's no question of what to do), but there's so much STUFF on it that I get frustrated when I'm actually looking at the paper; I get all glassy-eyed and go into a cloudy fog. Then when I'm actually trying to do the workout on those sheets of paper I've printed, I feel like I can't exercise because I'm too busy reading. Then I have to mark off what I've done and I get all dizzy.

Lack of confidence. My best friend Lisa suggested this as one of my stumbling blocks. Lisa has known me for a LONG time. She knew me in my skinny days, she knows me now. Lisa has always been a very enthusiastic, athletically inclined person. What comes natural to her does NOT come natural to me. She took me to a Zumba class once. Then she understood my lack of confidence. I have a lack of coordination as well!!

Verbal prompting. Perhaps because of my lack of confidence mentioned above, I believe I desire verbal prompting. I like when Abby is there telling me what to do, encouraging me, letting me know what to do next, how to better my form. Of course, Nickey doesn't believe that "verbal prompting" is my stumbling block... she just thinks I'm...

Lazy. Yes, Nickey thinks I'm lazy. I try to tell her I'm not lazy, I have stumbling blocks.

On the drive to Nashville later that day to see Hanna, I was on the phone with Nickey when I had my epiphany. I finally put into words what I feel like my true stumbling block is. And, of course, it is a huge part of my personality.

Black or white. All or none. No middle ground. No half-assing. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it RIGHT or I'm simply not going to do it at all.

I worked for a pastor one time who told me I was "too black and white". At the time, I took it as an insult. Shortly after that, I attended a week-long church secretary conference in Atlanta and my ENTIRE wardrobe that week was black and/or white. Seriously.

Looking back on my journey, I realize how true this is for me. I participated in Abby's 5 Weeks to 5K program. However, because I didn't do well following through on a regular basis with my homework, I started over. Twice. I wanted to do the whole entire thing correctly. Or I didn't want to do it at all. Abby finally told me I could NOT do Homework Lesson #1 ever again. Secretly, I will though.

21 Days to Bliss--I was out of town during the first two meetings. Because I missed the first two, I don't feel like I got as "in" to it as I should have. What an AWESOME  event this has been. But I want to start completely over... and fully immerse myself. Friends, I'm telling you, if Abby, Lindsay and Jill offer this again, jump on it! Each and every woman I know could benefit from this.

The nutrition cleanse was not easy; at times, it was very difficult. But I feel the need to start all over and do it again, from the beginning, because I've not done too well lately.

I've heard over and over "just jump back in where you left off". It's not that simple for me. If I miss or skip something, I feel like I have failed. I don't do failure.

I do black and white. All or none. No half-assing.

Now that I've discovered what I believe to be my big stumbling block, what do I do about it?