I'm in Trouble

I've pissed off my trainer. You can read all about it here... http://transformwithpaige.blogspot.com/2013/10/one-proud-moment-two-not-so-proud.html

One of the first things I learned from Abby is that there are no excuses, so I'm not going to try and offer any. I'll just simply share the thoughts buzzing around in my head right now.

No, it's not all been perfect. I have made strides towards becoming healthier but I have a LONG way to go! Yes, I've tried yoga and I really do enjoy it. I'm not good at it and there are times my feet cramp up so much I want to fall on the floor. I don't look the least bit graceful going into or coming out of some poses. I worry that a little air might escape from my behind (come on ladies, you know what I'm talking about and most of you have worried about it yourselves). But... Lindsay has been a great and patient teacher. And, Abby is right--if I can do it, anybody can do it!

Onto Abby's not so proud moments...

Not-So-Proud Moment #1
I understand Abby getting on her soap box, and I don't blame her. I would be frustrated with me, too, if I were her. I'm frustrated with my ownself in general. Monday night, I knew I needed to let Abby know that I wouldn't be at class. I had started cooking, and I was very focused and into it. Lynn came by on her way to SGPT and I remembered that I needed to talk to Abby, so I went to my phone to text her. My phone was dead. By the time my phone charged enough (and I remembered), it was way past class time, so she knew I wasn't going to be there. At lunch yesterday, Nickey asked me if I had ever gotten in touch with Abby. Gulp. No, I didn't. I totally accept dropping the contact ball. I am truly sorry that Abby feels taken advantage of. That's certainly not what I want.

There are times, though, that Paige's best effort doesn't equal Abby's best expectation of Paige. And, possibly, vice-versa, I don't know. Monday night, I was in no place mentally to be at SGPT. My best effort was to simply make it through the night with some sort of calm around me. Getting hot, sweaty and frustrated with my body would have only made things worse for me, I think. No, I don't know for sure, because exercise is not a natural way for me to work through things just yet... it's another task, another item to do to mark off my to-do list. I haven't learned how it can therapeutic for me just yet.

Not-So-Proud Moment #2
I had no idea that I would be "missed". I really didn't. I just thought it was an extra opportunity for some of Abby's clients to get together for an extra workout. So, I failed. Yet again.

My Thoughts and Confessions
I'm in a funk. It could possibly be depression of sorts. One person has suggested an existential crisis, defined as "a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life: whether his or her life has any meaning, purpose or value." But, this funk has turned from "a moment" into several days and even into weeks. I want to hibernate.

Abby has overwhelmed me. She has given me info on SGPT, weekly personal training sessions, TBP, 5 Weeks to 5K, 21 Days to Bliss, Marathon Training. I have so much information that I get overloaded and my brain just shuts it all down. I really do love the fact that I have so many options, but it's completely overwhelming to me. And just when I think I can do it, I fail myself. Then I want to take a hiatus because I'm such a screw up.

After my 3-month assessment, I was proud of myself for accomplishing what I had, but also disappointed that it wasn't more. Of course, I realize that if I had wanted to get more out of it, I would have had to put more into it. But, all in all, that much change after 43 years was a great start.

I wanted my family to be proud, too. 

My kids both gave me a "Good job, Mom", but they haven't been here to actually see me go through the changes so they may not really realize what I've done. I know when I was their ages, my parents' health was not of great concern to me. Ross and Hanna haven't kept up with my journey here.

My dad told me that my results were "pretty good", but I'm sure he didn't realize much of what I had been through either. He certainly has never read my blog or any blog for that matter. Diet and exercise really aren't part of his every day living.

Then, there's my mother. My mother, the insulin-dependent diabetic who had quadruple bypass surgery at the age of 47, angioplasty on three arteries the following year, a stroke the year I moved to Mississippi. Mother... the one I DON'T want to follow in the medical footsteps of.

Rather than tell her the results, I wanted her to actually READ them. I wanted her to make the effort and find out about how I've done. It took her several days to even make the attempt, at my insistence, of course. Then she claimed "it" wouldn't let her read it. She needed my password. Talk about excuses, Mother's got them. Finally, she said she had read my entire blog. And all she got out of it "was a bunch of stuff about you and Nickey." Wow. Three months' worth of nutrition, health, exercise and lifestyle changes and still, all she seemed to get out of reading was about Nickey and me. Mother doesn't like Nickey and makes no secret about it. To anyone. Especially to Nickey and me. She's rude and hateful to and about Nickey and me. She couldn't see the good results I had produced. She couldn't see that Nickey has been totally supportive. She, instead, saw what she considered to be negative. And it rubbed off on me. 

It's been completely disheartening, really. In the last couple of weeks, I've lost focus, motivation, will and desire. As I sat at my desk yesterday writing this post (that's continued until today), there was a piece of birthday cake on my desk and a Coke from lunch. And I felt miserable. Mentally and physically miserable.

Abby. This is going to be tough. Abby has been a Godsend. Literally. When my diabetes diagnosis came, she was right there, with a halo and wings reaching out to help me. My very own personal health angel. What a blessing! We've had bumps and stumbles, but it's mostly been due to my own stubbornness and/or weakness. These last couple weeks have been no exception.

Abby had told me she'd see me on Saturday (week before last) to start her Marathon Training Program. At one time, I mentioned to her that I might like to run a half-marathon sometime in my life. "Sometime" isn't here yet. I'd never run before I started with Abby. I attempted the 5 Weeks to 5K clinic, but didn't do my homework like I was supposed to. I had thought I would begin to enjoy running, but I didn't. I participated in the 5K that Abby was the ramrod of back the first weekend in September. I was scared and nervous because I wasn't prepared, remember?

I was supposed to start marathon training now. What?? Abby and I ran jogged at the Riverwalk a few weeks ago. Went farther/longer than I ever had or ever thought I could. And I apparently hurt my knee, so running didn't enter my mind again until the last time Abby and I met for my weekly one-on-one workout. I think that very minor injury caused me more mental setback than I realized. 

I was reminded about when I fell back in February and broke my wrist. I don't know why, but it was in my head and I began to have lots of thoughts of falling when I ran and injuring myself again. I'm not the most graceful of people to begin with and thinking about what I went through after surgery to put in a plate and 9 screws to repair my wrist... I have a real fear of falling now... so I don't want to do it.

Marathon training? If I thought I wasn't prepared for the 5K, I certainly wasn't prepared for the marathon training. Abby's information stated that you should have a 3-mile base with a pace of 8:30 to 13:00 minute miles. I didn't have it. Period. I dug in my heels and became very opposed to trying this. I'm sure it was out of fear. Mostly. We had to bring water with us. I can't run with water. Some people can't walk and chew gum. I can't run with water. There. I said it. I was seriously opposed to this marathon training thing. 

The night before the first training Saturday came and I text Abby to let her know that I wasn't feeling so well but was going to bed early so that hopefully the next morning I'd be ready. I got up, got dressed, got my water ready and headed out the door. Nickey was going to be taking me and dropping me off because she needed the car. Since Nickey was driving, I didn't bring my keys with me. I simply unlocked the car door from inside with my key fob so I could go ahead and get in. Nickey heard my keys jangling and assumed I got my keys, so she didn't get hers. We locked ourselves out of the house. No worries. I text Abby to let her know what had happened. This had happened before, so we had each learned how to break into our house. Took me less than 2 minutes when I did it before. I'd still make it. No worries. It took over 50 minutes to get back into our house to get the keys. By that time, I knew I had missed everyone and, frankly, I didn't want to hear a lecture. So, I went back to bed.

This past Thursday, Abby text me to see what time we were going to work out on Friday, our usual Paige/Abby day. I was out of town at a conference for work. She remembered that I had told her that a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure was taking place right outside my hotel. So, she informed me that I would be running in it. She had decided that for me. Excuse me? My church (where I am employed) paid for this conference, for me to be in class at 9 am that Saturday morning. I couldn't not be there. And, I KNEW that with over 38,000 people in this race, there was NO way I could make it to class if I did the 5K.

There was a small group of ladies from the conference who DID participate in the 5K, but they did it as part of a "Healthy Lifestyles" (elective) class. My class was a core (required) class that is rarely offered. As a matter of fact, one lady flew from Delray Beach, Florida to Little Rock just for that one class, because she had tried for three years to take it elsewhere and it hadn't been offered. I sure wasn't going to miss my chance to get the class!

When I woke up that morning, I could see very near the start of the race from my hotel window. I watched as the bridge filled with runners/walkers/joggers. I admit it, I wanted to be down there doing it. I really did. It was an amazing sight! I had to shower and get ready for class, so after I watched for a bit, I headed off to the bathroom. After I showered, shampooed, shaved my legs, rinsed, dried off and got my clothes on, I went back to the window... that bridge was STILL filled with people! I was shocked to see that many people still filing over; that's when the sheer volume of people began to sink in with me. The ladies from our group that participated were very near the beginning of the race but because of the huge number of bodies, it took them over 2 hours (if I remember correctly) to get back to the hotel. I definitely would have missed my very important class.

Back to Abby, though. I really didn't appreciate her "bossing" me, telling me what I WAS going to do. Ninety-three percent of the time, that method would probably work with me (but only with this working out thing, not in general real-life as my friend Lezli pointed out to me). But, right now, I'm in that seven percent range. I don't want to be bossed. I want to be the boss. I don't want someone else telling me what I can or can't do. I want to make the decisions, however wrong they are. At my very core, I am stubborn, strong-willed, and defiant. I want to do it MY way. And, since I'm in this funk, I want to be able to control SOMETHING in my life. I don't want an ultimatum... however "right" I know that ultimatum may be, I will dig in my heels and kick and scream. It's a control issue. It's a trait I can't outgrow or get away from, no matter if I tried or not.

One other frustration I've been fighting is my buddy. Abby assigned us all a Trainer in Your Back Pocket buddy; to help motivate us and give us some accountability. I love my buddy. When I first met her, she was an inspiration to me because I had heard her story and seen her progress. However, she had suffered an injury just before we got to be buddies. I tried to reach out to her, but she wasn't ready for exercise yet. Luckily, she's on the mend, but she has had a very positive change in her life that's taking priority it seems like. I'm very happy for her, but I wish I had a TBP buddy who was a little more involved than mine is right now.

I really am trying to work through this. I KNOW Abby knows better than me. That's not even a question. But I don't connect with the way she's trying to pull me through this. I'm a firm believer in discipline, but right now, I'm feeling a little more tender inside so I don't need a bully. I just need some help and extra encouragement through this rough patch.

Once I rise from the ashes, I'll have to shop for new workout clothes. My capris are falling down all the time now, and I need more long-sleeved britches and tops since it's getting colder. Maybe a new workout outfit and running shoes will boost my spirits. Retail therapy is always good, right? Then I can settle into a lovely fall routine and get back to where I need to be....

Speaking of fall, I'm going to have a really hard time not eating a bunch of yummy, cold-weather comfort foods I've grown to love over the years.... Maybe I'll just have to exercise more.